Ok, Coach. I'm finally doing it. I'm putting it on the travel blog.
One of my favorite things is to view shooting stars. Meteors. My favorite place to do that is on a beach at or near Litchfield, SC. There is something about the light there that produces brilliant streaks of white light when a meteor passes.
I love just staring at the sky, anticipating, waiting to see one. And then. THERE'S ONE! There has to be another one soon right? And maybe there will be. Maybe there won't be.
Lots of times it feels like there is a realllllly faint meteor that can be seen. I am never sure that it is or isn't though.
Why do I bring that up while I'm flying back from Newark, NJ? Great question. And no, I'm not flying. I'm riding. Or as Pete Holmes would say, "sitting still in the sky."
I bring it up because it is my belief that lessons are coming to me all the time. They are flying by like meteors. Sometimes I see them. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes they are really bright. Sometimes they are really faint.
For some reason it seems like I see more lessons (meteors) when I travel. When I'm out of my routine.
I saw some yucky things about myself on this trip.
Avid readers of this blog (of which there are a countless few) know that one of my main core misbeliefs is that I'm not good enough. And all of the yucky things I saw in myself during this trip are tied to that belief.
Frankly, I saw my unhealthy dependency on others. But deeper than that, I saw an unhealthy dependency on what others think of me. I have had the great fortune the past week to hear things directly from friends and people professionally that were hard for me to hear.
My feelings were hurt. There were clear statements about me, what I did and how they felt about me and guess what? They weren't happy with me.
I fight so, so hard to have everyone happy with me. It's a learned behavior. And guess what? People aren't always happy with me. The anxiety, and tension as a friend said this morning, is almost unbearable for me to experience if someone isn't pleased with me.
But it is bearable. Life continues to move forward. I'm still alive. Someone being upset with me didn't kill me.
But like it said, my "Not Good Enough" is involved. He doesn't like it. For now, I'm going to call that part of me NGE Brian. NGE Brian needs everyone happy. Needs everyone to love him. To tell him he's being a good little boy. That keeps him going.
I told a friend of mine this morning that I still believe that all of this yuckiness comes back to how I feel about me.
When I believe:
-That I'm not good enough
-That only I can do things
-They I can't ask for help
-That I'm broken
….then this is where I end up. And I know better than to live life this way. And yet, oftentimes I find myself in this same spot: Empty. Tired. Lonely. Hurting.
I suppose that I'm simply just seeing a shooting star. A meteor. A lesson.
Ultimately, I am thankful for travel. I'm thankful for the experiences from this trip. I'm thankful for the friends, old and new, that I got to connect with while here.
And my hope is that I can stand in awe and wonder of this lesson like I stand in awe and wonder of the shooting stars at Litchfield. And my hope is that I can hold myself with love, compassion, and acceptance as I walk through it.
I'm finding that love, compassion and acceptance is one of the most difficult and challenging things to give myself. And it's needed for the freedom that I seek.
