Thank You

I'm not sure the grief of being back home has ever set in before I was home like it is right now.  I'm sitting in the Havana airport and feeling a mixture of feelings:

1.  Glad.  

2.  Sad. 

3.  Gratitude(I count it as a feeling)

4.  Fear

I'm feeling glad because of the trip I've just completed. Last night was the cap to one of the most challenging and enjoyable trips of my life.  I arrived in Cuba feeling fear about what I was getting myself into.  It honestly took me a few days to get adjusted to what life is like here.  And by life I mean a variety of things:  the language, the appearance of the city, the people, the food, the weather, and the all around "differentness" that occurs anytime one leaves their comfort zone(literal and figurative).  What happened over the last few days was nothing short of amazing as I got more comfortable with my surroundings therefore making my own soil able to sustain some risks that I ended up taking.  I didn't write much about it yesterday, but the walk I took from the Malia Cohiba to the Havana Libre and then on to the Capital was extremely long and even more extremely awesome than I could have planned.  I saw the highs and lows of the city, got rained on and absolutely loved every minute of it.  Then to take the walking tour and meet great people made the day that much better.  The risk I took to ask another person if they wanted to spend time with me is one that I rarely take in everyday life.  I'm so glad I took that risk.  I was rewarded with something real that I won't soon forget.  

The fear I feel is that I'll fold back into myself and not take risks when I get back home.  I'm afraid that I'll get back to being ok with just life dragging me along instead of rather living life and making decisions based on the things that I want to do and based on the person I want to be.  For some reason I'm better able to do that when I travel.  In a sense it's good practice for me to travel like this and make decisions because I honestly have to.  The principle that I've learned the last few weeks is that once I make a decision to get moving, the subsequent decisions seem to just flow. And you know what?  None of them are perfect decisions and that's ok.  That's one of the things I do/expect:  I want things to be perfect.  Period.  And that's a huge distortion because, as cliché as it sounds, life is not going to be perfect.  I'm not going to be perfect.  You are not going to be perfect.   All of the above will just "be," and it's up to me to accept that or not.   I have a choice.  I know that. Oftentimes I choose not to accept that things are going to be perfect.  I'm hoping that this trip has helped me move just a little bit closer to accepting life on life's terms.  That's where I believe life begins.  Once I accept things as they are, I meet people, see parts of the world I've never seen and have the time of my life.  But none of that happens if I don't choose to engage with the imperfection that is life and other people.  That also doesn't happen if I'm in a constant frame of mind of worrying about what those around me are thinking/thinking about me. Nothing moves me to inaction quicker than that type of codependent thinking. 

I'm sad simply because I'm leaving behind a country and a city that I grew to love exponentially over the past few days.  I mentioned it yesterday but I've never encountered a place that revealed itself like Cuba did.  There was more and more to discover with every book I read, person I talked to and step I took.  Granted, a lot of things were revealed last night as Leslie shared some of things she had done in her two trips here, but still more and more was revealed the more I was looking for it.  Back to the walk I took yesterday:  I walked through some of the, what I think were, roughest parts of town and I loved it.  Put your mind at ease.  Cuba is extremely safe.  Flat out safe.  My point here is that I want to see more of those parts of the country.  And I'm sad that I don't know the language.  There were so many people, including my taxi driver this morning, that I wanted to talk to and just learn about.  And I couldn't because I only know a handful of words.  That's one of the major "funs" for me in traveling:  getting to know the locals.  I also love writing this and using "words" like "funs."  Clearly I'm making words up and clearly I don't care.  Knowing Spanish would open up another world to me.  Maybe learning the language is something I can engage in when I get back home.  

Lastly I'm feeling gratitude.  I don't know if I've ever been more thankful to be able to take a trip.  I'm thankful to have a job and a boss that allows me to take time off like this, I'm thankful to have the financial means to do this, I'm thankful to have friends that invite me to things like this, I'm thankful to have met and interacted with incredible humans, I'm thankful to have eaten and drank great Cuban food and drink, I'm thankful to have seen a part of the world that I legitimately may never get to see again.  Have I mentioned I'm thankful?  Like seriously.  Look at what I've been able to do for the last six days.  Yes, I'm tearing up in the Havana airport. And you know what?  It feels incredible.  I don't care what you, oh fictional reader, think right now.  My journey the last few years toward health has been the most amazing journey of my life.   Period.  I can now feel the feelings I'm feeling, acknowledge the thoughts that I'm thinking and share both.  I'm a work in progress.  I'll always be that.  And that's more than ok with me.  Right now I can say I'm so extremely blessed and thankful that I don't know how to describe it.  And this a travel blog so maybe this isn't the place to describe it.  ;)   Yep, that's a winkie face.  

Cuba.  Thank you.  Thank you for providing the backdrop for me to be stretched yet again.